My first holiday season during my divorce was the hardest. I had to be away from my kids during one of the most family-oriented times of the year. At the time, it felt unfathomable. My ex-husband and I hadn’t really solidified a coparenting counselor or parenting plan yet, so everything was kind of on a whim. If you’re newly separated and in the process of divorce—if your situation allows for it—have a parenting plan set in place before things are finalized. We did this after the fact which made it really stressful for me.
During this time, I didn’t put up the holiday tree (aka Christmas tree, but we don’t call it that), I didn’t really decorate my house; I was not in the holiday spirit. I was more concerned about being away from my kids for the day they were with their dad, mainly because their grandpa (my ex’s dad) was in town. My kids were so young at the time and had never really been away from me for more than a few hours.
Fast forward to the next year, and it was even harder for me. I had just gotten used to being away from my kids every other weekend, but in December 2023, my ex-husband decided to take the kids up to his dad for Christmas. His dad lives out of state, so me being the mama bear that I am, I had conditions and requirements. In retrospect, everything was fine. Their great aunt was there, too, so I felt a little more reassured, but it was the first time I had been away from both my babies for a full week. Mind you, my son was barely two-years-old at the time.
After that Christmas, I vowed to myself to work on ways to ensure that if my ex decides to take the kids places for extended periods of time things would be different than they had been. Any time my ex wanted to take the kids anywhere, I made sure he knew that I’d need things planned in advance if he wanted me to feel confident in his parenting abilities while he has the kids (me feeling confident is still a work in progress, but I know the kids are safe).
Now we’re at the end of 2025. My daughter is about to turn eight-years-old and things are a little bit easier this year. During my therapy session yesterday, my therapist brought up the fact that this is the first holiday season since my divorce that I’ve been more relaxed. Granted, I have a lot going on outside of coparenting, but he’s right.
My relationship with my ex-father-in-law is better than it has been in years, my kids are stoked to go visit and my ex is solely focusing on the kids while he’s up visiting his dad with them.
In terms of holiday schedules, what we worked out is that I get all Jewish holidays, my ex-husband gets Christmas every year, and I get all other holidays on odd years, and he gets them on even years. Birthdays are shared and if things need to change, my ex and I can communicate to adjust…most of the time.
It’ll always be a work in progress, but for the first time in three years, it’s been the easiest since my divorce. Is that a thing? Where things shift come year three, going into year four of divorce? I sure hope so.
If this is your first holiday season without your kiddos, I feel you and I’m with you. If it’s your 15th holiday season without your kiddos, you’ve got this and while it’s still hard, you’re so strong and the snuggles will be extra special when your kids are back with you.
Sending love this holiday season.
